My Superpower

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Turns out, I have a superpower. I never even knew it..

Apparently I intimidate people. That’s the feedback I received today. To be honest, it’s not the first time I’ve heard that, but it was the first time that I took it seriously, because I was doing it on purpose. Worked too…

Now, I’m the kind of guy, and those of you know me personally can chime in here, who’ bark is 100% worse than his bite. I like to think that I’m basically a decent person, admittedly no one is going to accuse me of being like Albert Schweitzer however. I’m more of a curmudgeon. But I do have a close bunch of friends, and frankly, it’s make friends easily, once I get past the initial meeting. I am lucky to have friends and acquaintances I genuinely like and whose company I enjoy. When I’m not a funk (which happens once in a while and during which I find painful to even sit in on a conversation with my wife), I’m typically the life of party, funny, entertaining. If I don’t’ say so myself. If you’re a friend of mine, I like to think I’m the sort that would give you the shirt off my back. Actually I’ve demonstrated that loyalty by giving a neighbor a couple rides to the airport at 4:40 on Saturday morning. That’s above and beyond and I truly enjoy being helpful and asking for nothing in return.

Here’s what I’m not. I’m not the sugar sweet nice guy who will strike up a conversation with a 6 year old or with the infirm, just because. I have a certain “dark” side of my personality which manifests itself as biting sarcasm. It also comes out in my generous peppering of my conversation with my “rough” language. I’m also well renowned, at work especially, as a “straight shooter”. My little management meeting with the company shrink came back with he quote “ you have no pretense or guile, you say it as it is.” I like that. I’m blunt to the point that on two occasions I’ve been interviewing people for positions and I’ve stopped mid-interview and told them flat out, “you know, this isn’t a good fit for you, I’m going stop the interview at this point.”

What I didn’t expect was “You are intimidating.” Here’s the context. Oh, one more thing. One personality trait that I have absolutely NO patience for is- stupidity. I can’t stand stupid. As the comedian Ron White says, You can fix your chin, your butt, your boobs and your abs. You can’t fix stupid. He’s so right. Oh, I also live by the motto that “mean people suck”, and I do at times go out of my way to tweak assholes. See Sank in Boy Scouts for some excellent examples. Mary…. Cathy…. Dan… Dan…. Oh wait mean and stupid? You lose.

So here the situation.  In my job people from different parts of the company are constantly wanting to “status” with me. Typically about their careers or about their systems. I have an admin who called in sick this morning leaving me at the mercy of the unwashed at my company. She filters people for me, apparently I’m not capable.

9:00am Friday morning.
Commute, 2X normal time due a slight mist, rotten drivers.
Sank, in light of a bad week sleeping wise indulged in a Kennedy Ambion last night. Meaning, I’m not going to be officially awake until around 11:00.

In he comes. The Manager of Project X. Project X being a project that I don’t really care about. One of my staff works on it, and keeps me up to speed. I don’t want hear about other than our bi-weekly meetings. Unfortunately Mr. X has been coached that he should raise his visibility and meeting with the big cheese in the corner would be a good idea. So, in he walks, carrying a handful papers, a lap top, a smart looking Franklin planner and hes wearing a tie. It’s Friday, casual day, something’s up.

Mr. X- Hello Mr. S, thank you for making the time to meet with me today.
ME-      Audible: My pleasure
     In my head: What the fuck are you wasting my time for, and why are you wearing a tie?

Mr. X- I want to take this opportunity to bring you up to speed on Project Caribou. I’ve prepared a Gantt chart for you if you’d like to see where we are.
ME-      Audible: Thank you
     I-M-Head: project installs in the two week. To late on the Gantt there scooter. Where is your God damn agenda, you carried a ream of paper in here and an agenda wasn’t one of the items? I’d feel like I wanna check things off on something.

Mr. X- As you can see were on track for our install in June.
Me      Audible: You know, I’m hearing that we have some defects that aren’t getting resolved. Have you out lined a plan for testing and retesting to close out the defects?
     I-M-Head: Oooo I hate guys with hair on their ears. Don’t you have mirror at home.

Mr. X- D-D-D-Defects (No kidding, just like that)
ME:      Audible: Defect, like calc errors and 5 open sev 1 errors.
     I-M-Head: Ooo we’re on to something. Didn’t think I read those reports. I think the ear hair is waving at me.

Mr. X. UM, we have a plan to address those. Have you talked with your team about the um, issues. I think your team is very strong you know. You do a great job getting us talent. (
ME:      Audible: I did talk with the team, they’re very concerned, they’re concerned that your plan for addressing these issues does not have enough time built into to it to do a good job correcting them  Your attention to detail and come in to question to be honest. X.
     I-M-Head: Settle down dude, we’re just talking here, no need to start sweating like that.  I think he’s shaking. That ear hair has to be 4 inches long. Where’ s my tweezers….

Now I’m ready to move on

Mr. X- That’s all I wanted to talk about Mr. S. I’ve never met you before and I wanted you to know that if you ever have any questions or concerns  you can call me. I’m not sure who you meet with from my team.
Me     Audible: I meet with F (your bosses, boss) weekly and discuss this stuff there.
     I-M_Head: You are a moron, leave now.

Mr. X- Oh you do? You meet with F? Um um um um um um um  OK uh OK then, was there any thing else you wanted to talk about?
ME:      Audible: Nope, this was your meeting. I’m glad to know you, and if something comes up, I’ll call.
     I-M-Head: NO Bye now

Mr. X- Great, I’m going to schedule more time with you in case you have more questions.
ME:      Audible: Please work with Jill, she manages my calendar.
     I-M-Head: Note to self, Jill, no need to meet with X again.

ME:     Thanks now…. (at this point I’ve turned away and started working on email.)
Mr. X     Thank you for the time, and I’ll check in after implementation to make sure that you’re satisfied with our resolutions to your concerns.

Silence. Click, click…

Mr. X- Do you want to be included on the notes from our team status.
Me:      Audible  Silence, glance and a smile. “No need my team will fill me in”
     I-M-Head: You’re still sitting in my freaking office. Get a clue here.

Mr. X- OK, thanks again for your time. Are those your kids? They’re very cute.
ME:     Audible- Thanks, I need to prepare for something, thanks from stopping in When Jill gets back please work with her on timing for future status meetings.
     I-M-Head- That ear thing is gross. Why are you still in here. I wonder if there are any Orange muffins left in the café. Is it going to rain all day. I like tater tots. Who’s that guy in my office?


10 minutes later I get the call from my team member. “What did you do to X? He’s going to need counseling now, you intimidated the hell out of him and he’s all upset.”

“What? I don’t intimidate people, we had a little status about Project Caribou. I told him what you told me…”

“You scared him to death, you know you can be an asshole.”
“You know mean bosses or angry power hungry bosses who intimidate people typically wouldn’t tolerate being called an asshole by their subordinates.”
“True, but you still scared the crap of him. You should apologize.
“Ahhhh he’s weak”.
“He was at a disadvantage, you used your intimidation factor to crush the weak, you know you do it all the time.” “really? Come in here would you.”

In she strolls with one other team member for back up.
“You do intimidate people Sank. You can’t help it.”
“Yeah you do. You stare at them with the steely gaze and make them feel stupid. You do it to us?”
“really? You guys are intimidated by me?”
“Not anymore, but those first few minutes were really tense. Then we realized that you weren’t anything to be afraid off You’re a softie”.

“But you said….”

“Just use your powers for good. That’s all were saying.”

Fascinating. Going home the LC asked me to take out the trash. I’m going attempt to use my superpowers. Straighting up, I’m put on the pokerface, and fired the steely gaze at her. “Take out the trash?” gaze gaze gaze, I’m working it, She’s looking at me. Her head cocks as she realized that something is up. Like a Siamese fighting fish that sees a rival, the fins flare our she lowers into attack more. “Are you thinking about doing something other that taking out the trash?’

“Yeeessss I am, I’m thinking that uh, I like tater tots, uh put the new bag in would you dear?”

Pretty useless superpower.

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